January 3, 2023
The Dozen Deadly Words That Poison Love:
A Simple Little Exercise That’s Really Hard to Do
Jane Passaglia
Aviva Publishing (2022)
ISBN: 978-1-63618-162-2
New Book Reveals How to Replace the Words That Poison Relationships
Jane Passaglia’s The Dozen Deadly Words That Poison Love: A Simple Little Exercise That’s Really Hard to Do is a book absolutely everyone needs to read. No matter who you are, we all tend to have conflict with loved ones every now and then, and that conflict often results from the words we choose or default to using that trigger anger in our loved ones. In this short but powerful book, Jane identifies twelve words that often cause problems in relationships. She explains why they are problems and how to reword our sentences so we can get across what we really want to say rather than just being hurtful or accusatory. She even ends the book with a silly sentence made up of all the deadly words to help us remember not to use them.
One important word of caution Jane presents upfront is not to try to get around the problem by using cheating words—words that mean the same thing as the deadly word but are used to avoid the deadly word. She gives examples of cheating words also.
Of course, switching to using more positive or clear phrases over the deadly words is not easy. It will take lots of practice to remove the deadly words from our vocabulary. We should also enlist our family members in the effort so everyone is aware of the need to eliminate these words from conversations. That said, don’t let the effort to improve your communication result in looking for ways other people are failing to communicate well. I love when Jane warns us, “There will come a time after you’ve learned the words and spent some time practicing that you will think you’re doing pretty well. You might also observe that someone you love is not doing well at all. You will be wrong. It’s you. It will always be you.” Honestly, if we learn to quit using the deadly words, we’ll have less conflict because our loved ones will respond to our kinder language with kinder words of their own.
Jane devotes one chapter to each word, or in a few cases, a deadly phrase. Each chapter illustrates how the deadly word is used in hurtful ways. It asks people to focus on how they feel as the speaker of sentences using the deadly word, as well as the receiver of such sentences. Then alternative words are offered and practice sentences are provided for how to use them.
By now, you’re probably dying to know what the deadly words are. I won’t reveal all of them, but one is “keep” as in “You keep doing x.” When people use this word, they are being accusatory and at the pinnacle of frustration. Similar troublesome words are those that use absolutes like “always” and “never.” For example, “Why do you always leave the towel on the bathroom floor” or “You never listen.”
Another deadly word is “but.” As Jane says, “There is simply no sentence including but that will leave your loved one feeling as good (validated) as she did before you said it.” It is very difficult to eliminate but from our vocabulary, and Jane concedes that you usually cannot make your point without it, but you can make a better point. For example:
“I hear what you’re saying and that’s really interesting. I haven’t looked at it that way. I was thinking….”
“You did a great job on that! Really terrific. What do you think about adding ______ next time?”
Those are affirmations with suggestions rather than contradictions or criticisms.
All the examples in The Dozen Deadly Words That Poison Love are written for adults or at least teenagers to use. However, some extra tips are provided for parents who may need to deal with children who can’t always reciprocate or understand the fine points of the usages offered here. One of my favorite points about communication with children had to do with how kids ask a lot of questions. Jane liked to use the “deferred question” with her children. Deferring the question means not having to give less-than-respectful answers to kids such as “Because I said so.” Instead, Jane would take her daughter’s questions seriously and then put an “age” on them. For example, she would say, “I’m not sure I can explain that now. It’s sort of a ‘twelve’ thing. Will you ask again when you’re twelve?” Jane concludes, “Believe me when I say she never forgot, and her twelfth birthday was hilarious.” The book even contains some advice to help men and women learn to communicate better with each other.
I won’t give away any more of the Dozen Deadly Words because it’s better if you let Jane explain them so you get the full understanding of how to switch to better choices. I will say, though, that what’s important isn’t the elimination of the words themselves so much as the mindset behind them. Often, as Jane points out, we say hurtful things not because we want to hurt but out of self-protection, entitlement, fear, or unmet expectations—expectations our loved ones may not even know we have. When we learn to replace these words with words that truly communicate our feelings, wants, and needs, we will ensure healthier relationships for everyone involved. With this little book, you will remove the poison you never really meant to use so love can grow.
For more information about Jane Passaglia and The Dozen Deadly Words That Poison Love, visit Amazon.
— Tyler R. Tichelaar, PhD and award-winning author of Narrow Lives and The Best Place
